Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
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Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.