Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
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Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
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/ >🥕 for energyReality:
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/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
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(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit