My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
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Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
bugs when you lift up a rock