Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
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My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”