You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
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DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Battery falling down a hole
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.