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I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
reviewed some movies recently
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love