[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
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Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
bout dat hot dog summer
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
what’s really going on