Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
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AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
just having fun