Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
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Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.