Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
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The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.