if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
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just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.