Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
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I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
A roof is a house hat.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.