I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
You Might Also Like
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet