It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
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If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
reading about the new film megapolis and it said that “audrey plaza plays wow platinum and shia labeouf plays clodio pulcher” and i panicked for a second that i’d had a stroke
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring