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Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
Trying
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.