18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
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I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
A colleague has just been fired from work and someone else put their hand up and asked how it would affect the Secret Santa
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.