I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
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Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby