Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
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If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.