WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
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“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh
“Why you watching this shit?”
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”