Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
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My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I鈥檝e realised I鈥檓 not alone.
subtitles are so good nowadays
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Well, shit
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Her: I鈥檓 not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
鈼斤笍yes
鈼斤笍no
鈼撅笍other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 馃槓
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes