I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
You Might Also Like
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.