my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
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me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Best mom ever 😂
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”