John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
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I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
#Caturday
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.