Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
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After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
i dont have time for this
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
I’m not lazy
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼