Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
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[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
how long have you had this for?
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
You can’t outrun your problems…
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂