I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
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My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.