[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
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Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”