A woman drives into a bar.
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Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery