Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
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There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.