Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
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My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.