I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
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I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
what it’s like dating me:
I beg your pardon?
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.