I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
You Might Also Like
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor