If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
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I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
I know
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
sensitive skin
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down