Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
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People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!