*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
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I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.