I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
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a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.