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I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
inventing words: clothing
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.