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My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
🤣🤣
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.