“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
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Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
😩😩😩
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.