Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
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Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
When your man makes a valid point