Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
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In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Penguins walking in 5x speed
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8