I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
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If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
This 4th of July, please remember…
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Friday night party time 🥳
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
*exercises sarcastically*
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.