Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
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Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
“Great, now I have to pee.”