I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
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Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
5 ways to appear taller
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
is this a warning or an offer?
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]