NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
You Might Also Like
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
My neck my back my allergy attack
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.