*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
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Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.