Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
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Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no