Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
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Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Worst perfume name ever.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.