Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
This is enough internet for the day.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.