I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
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I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.